Deep Thoughts on Thirty Days
by Riss - uscmam
Summary: Continuation of Philosophy of the Mind. Various crew members thoughts during and after 30 Days as they examine why things happened the way they did, and the aftermath. Thoughts on J/P set on a background of a comfortable P/T relationship.
1. What Have I Done?

_These are the second series of stories, each from a different crew members perspective, looking at the relationship between Captain Janeway and Tom Paris. They have been published in other places on the net as separate stories, but I believe that they work better as chapters of one overall story. However, since they were published separately, each has its own title. I really like the different titles, so I have retained them as chapter titles. _

_Disclaimers - Paramount owns Star Trek. What, you didn't know that? I'm just a humble fan borrowing the characters for fun. While Paramount owns the characters, the ideas are mine, so please ask permission before taking them elsewhere, and always keep my name attached._

**A/N - This story is based around the words and actions of the episode 30 Days, as we venture into Janeway's thoughts. This story is slightly different than all the others as some dialog is included in this story, denoted by _italics_. Those with "" around them are Janeway's lines, and those with ** are from others.**

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Deep Thoughts on Thirty Days - What Have I Done?

By Riss

_"Care to join us Mister Paris?"_

He can be so enthusiastic. He really is the heart of our ship. Unlike the hardened scientist he finds wonder in the unexplored. He'll crack a joke at anything. And he's contagious. I'm actually considering taking Voyager under water. One week of refitting, just to satisfy that man's curiosity. But it's worth it to have those blue eyes smile at me.

_"Bon Voyage."_

He is so beautiful. As he sat in my Ready Room drinking tea, all I wanted to do was reach out and touch the man! The smile on his face lit up my heart. I can just imagine that little kid playing with sailing ships. Building sailing ship models, maybe even designing them just like he did with the Delta Flyer. The blond kid in the pictures on Admiral Paris' desk, who awed Admirals with his flying ability at age five, dreaming about joining the naval patrol. I guess that's why he's such a good pilot. He feels the currents of subspace and just rides the space lanes along with them.

He was so excited about taking the Delta Flyer down through the water. Doesn't he know that he didn't need to do more than ask for me to grant him anything? The second he suggested that we help them, I couldn't resist saying yes. How could I resist the man I love? I would do almost anything for that man...

_"Would you please excuse us?"_

He certainly has come a long way. Back when he came on Voyager, I had thought he was an unredeemable man. I mean, here was this convict who I had sprung from prison walking around my ship like he owned the place. Standing there on the Bridge like he expected me to give him responsibility. But then I saw the look in his eyes as he asked to join the away team looking for Harry. He actually cared, not just a show he was putting on for me. That was the moment I realized this man had a heart of gold. This man would do anything he could to make things right.

_"Is that clear?"_

Today, I saw that heart again. As he looked at me, begging for the chance to help them, his eyes lit up. Helping the Monaens was so important to him. I ached when I said there was nothing we could do. Sending B'Elanna out of the room and dressing Tom Paris down was one of the hardest things I have done in a long time. Three days with these people and yet he is willing to risk his life for them. If I didn't know how much he wants the respect of the crew, I think he would risk anything for them.

No, he wouldn't do that... He wouldn't risk trying to help them. Tom knows his place on this ship. He's worked to hard to earn the right to the conn and the respect of every member of this crew. Tom's hurt that I let him down, but he knows the rules more than anyone else on the ship. He knows what the Prime Directive says. Heck, he can probably recite all the Starfleet rules and regulations from memory. He'll be a hero another day. He will forgive me for saying no this one time.

_*Captain, there has just been an unauthorized launch from Shuttle Bay One. The Delta Flyer.*_

What! How could Tom do this? I told him we were leaving the situation alone. I don't care how blue his eyes are or what puppy-dog face he throws at me this time. I want him back on this ship now!"

_"Lieutenant… you are disobeying a direct order."_

He just closed the channel on me. I can't believe this. My protégé, my mentee, the man I rescued from prison, the man I gave a position on this ship has just turned his back on me!

_"As far as I'm concerned he forfeited his status as a protected member of this crew the second he launched that shuttle."_

Damn that man! He just made a mockery of me. I will take this out of his hide.

_"Lieutenant Paris, this is your final warning."_

Tom, please turn back. Don't do this. I'm sorry I got us into this whole mess. I should have just let you stay in the holodeck. I just wanted to see you in that leather jacket. I really didn't need you on the bridge. Please come back...

_"Arm the torpedo"_

You looked me in the eye and said you understood. You are endangering hundreds of Monaen lives. You might cause a war between our peoples. You lied to me...

_"Stand down or I will open fire."_

What am I doing? He will come back! He must come back. Please Tom! I'll forgive you if you come back now. I need you to come back now...

_"Fire!"_

I love you.

_*The Flyer has been disabled*_

He's safe. He's going to kill me. I'm going to kill him! What have I done? What has he done? He's insulted the uniform he wears and flaunted the laws of this ship. He made a joke of my authority as captain of this ship. How dare he...

_"I hereby reduce you to the rank of Ensign."_

I should throw him off the ship for what he's done. The Moneans wanted to try and sentence him on their world. I should have let them…

" _And I sentence you to thirty days in solitary confinement."_

I had to do it. I had no choice. He broke every rule he could. He broke the Prime Directive, attempted to incite a war, stole Starfleet property, and disobeyed a direct order. I had to strip him his lieutenant's pip. I had to put him in the brig for a full month. This is my ship! I have to maintain order! I can't let my personal feelings cloud my command.

Oh, what have I done to us...

Day 2

I couldn't sleep last night. Every time I closed my eyes I saw him in the brig. Sometimes here, sometimes on the Bradbury, which picked him up after his ill-fated stint in the Maquis. I saw him in Auckland and after Caldik Prime. How could I do this to such a wonderful person? A man who just cared too much and tried to help, despite the fact it was against the rules. A man who did what I wanted to do, what I wished I could do.

Day 7

"_Tell Mister Paris this is punishment not shore leave."_

He is locked in the brig and still thinks he can manipulate me into giving him what he wants. I can't believe I almost gave in to his request for holodeck privileges. However, Neelix also relayed his request for to bring Tom a simple PADD. I figure that can't hurt too much. I wish he could have so much more. I'd go see him if I thought it would help. It would only help me. I've tried to figure out a way to stop crying myself to sleep at night, but nothing works. On the bridge I look at the helm and am reminded of how I took the heart of the man I love and threw it away.

No! I did more than that. I tried to kill him! I told Tuvok to fire the missile at him. I decided his life wasn't worth saving because of some rule! I don't know what's worse, that he broke my trust, or that I broke his.

Day 10

We were in combat today. I miss him so much. But he did it to himself! He disobeyed my orders and he needs to pay! I'm actually thought about replacing him at the helm. Ensign Culhane performed so well in battle, I commented that I should consider making him Chief Conn Officer. Everyone looked at me. Oh god, what am I doing. How will we survive the next twenty days? I've destroyed Tom, and in the process I'm destroying myself.

Day 14

Almost halfway through the torture. Security reports all is normal with him, our convict. Only a few nightmares, which is pretty good considering to horrors he's been through and what I've done to him. I almost would have expected a breakdown between his claustrophobia and yet another confinement in a brig. Instead, he's dictating a letter to his father. Maybe some good can come of this. Of course he's probably realized his father isn't that bad after what I've done to him.

Day 16

I finally let Harry go see him today. From the reports of Tom waking up screaming two straight nights, I thought it was necessary. I wish I could go and hold him, tell him everything's OK. That's what I need right now. Someone to hold me as the darkness creeps into my soul. I need someone to hold me and tell me I haven't destroyed him, I haven't destroyed myself.

Day 23

One more week. I haven't slept, I can't eat. All I do is think of what I've done. We are on the voyage of the damned, with one damned fool captain at the head. I've thrown away every chance we've had. I destroyed the Caretaker's Array. I lead this ship into battle week after week. I've had to preside over far too many memorial services because of my captaining. I built a man up only to shatter him when he tries to do the right thing.

Day 30

The big day. Thirty days of solitary confinement are over. Why do I feel worse than I have this entire period? Maybe because today he is free to look me in the eye and tell me he doesn't respect me anymore. He will look me in the eye and destroy all my illusions that one day he could love me. He will look me in the eye and finally break what is left of my heart.

Oh god, what have I done? I've driven him away from me. He will never forgive me. I've stolen everything from him, except his ability to love her. I stole his job, his freedom, and the rank he has proven himself worthy of for the last four years. I've ruined any slim chance I ever had. After all, she stood by him this entire time, supporting him as I tore him down. She remained by him, I didn't! If he ever did more than respect me, that is gone. He doesn't, no can't even do that anymore, not after what I have done. I can't take this anymore. I need to forget him. I have to do something...

I need to know I'm alive. I need to know that there is a living heart that beats in my chest. I need to know that my soul isn't a burned out hulk of waste. I need to feel, even if I don't deserve to. I need to try.

I stripped him of his rank, and every member of this crew respects him for what he attempted to do. In taking away that part of him, I've become what he overcame the minute he accepted my respect. I don't even care how, who, or what I need to do to get rid of this hole filled with guilt and broken dreams within me...


	2. The Disapproval I Expressed

Deep Thoughts on Thirty Days - The Disapproval I Expressed

by Riss

Disapproval is what I expressed to her after I heard the sentence. If I was capable of experiencing emotions, anger and disgust might have crossed my mind. However, as a Vulcan, I only made clear to her the illogic of the long incarceration and the uselessness of solitary confinement.

As I concluded would occur even before I made my case to the Captain, she listened to my opinions and rejected them. At times the Captain can be unpredictable, as was her overwhelming desire to stop Mr. Paris' action during the incident, despite the risk for his death. However, once her anger has been unleashed, she always follows it through to the conclusion and ignores logical arguments to the contrary.

This incident clearly illustrates why the Vulcan philosophy of emotionless existence is superior to the human frailties caused by reliance on emotions. The uncontrollability of emotions, linked from one to the other, from love to jealousy to anger, have caused the situation to spin out of control. If logic had been followed throughout our encounter with the Moneans, none of the unfortunate outcomes would have occurred.

Mr. Paris would not have been swayed by emotions to violate the rules and attempt an attack on the Monean facility. In turn, the Captain would not have turned her displeasure with Mr. Paris' deeds to quite the level they reached without the prior feelings she had for him. It was this passion-fueled anger which resulted in the harsh punishment, not just the need to uphold order on this ship.

Four months ago I came to the conclusion that despite the ongoing relationship between Mr. Paris and Lieutenant Torres, the Captain retained her desires, or love for the Helmsman which she succumbed to early in the voyage. I also have observed a reciprocal feeling from him, though I do not believe he has ever attempted to pursue those feelings other than flirting early in our journey. Unfortunately, this stable situation turned into a war of emotions with the Monean incident.

While technically the Captain had every right to enforce the punishment she decided upon, considering Voyager's present situation, it was illogical. Consistency in command is very important and she totally disregarded previous incidents of this nature. I disapproved of her handling of the two situations in which I disobeyed her direct orders and she did not dispense appropriate punishment. The first incident involved the transfer of the federation library in a black market deal for a technology that would help move us closer to home. She declined to give any more than a simple reprimand, which I believe began a laxity of punishment on this ship which might have encouraged the subsequent mutinous actions by Seska and Jonas. The second incident was not even mentioned despite my defiance of a direct order in contacting the Vidians for assistance in finding a cure for her and Commander Chakotay's illness.

The lack of discipline, while not unexpected when compared to my previous analysis of her first tour as Captain, lead to a certain understanding on the ship. While not completely logical to me, the idea exists that there is some leeway on this ship. Rules are to be followed, but occasional lapses are to be corrected not harshly punished. This has lead to a situation of great respect for the Captain and very little in the way of serious offenses on this ship.

However, the Captain violated this unwritten agreement with this incident and has paid for it in a loss of trust and respect from the entire crew. While a reprimand of Mr. Paris was clearly expected by him and the rest of the crew after his complete disregard for protocol, the level to which the punishment was taken showed a similar disregard for this understanding and the desires of the crew.

Clearly, anger mixed with a feeling of personal insult was the driving force behind the punishment. If, for instance, it had been myself who had attempted to destroy the oxygen processing facility, a reprimand combined with confinement to quarters while not on duty would most likely have been the resulting punishment. However, the circumstances, or more specifically the persons involved, were very different.

Last time I examined what I had finally deduced was a mutual attraction between the Captain and Mr. Paris, I had concluded that the only harm this attraction could pose was to the relationship Mr. Paris had with Lieutenant Torres. I now find this to be a premature conclusion considering the important facts which only now have been exposed.

The entire crew is suffering due to the Monean incident. Not only did the Captain break the unwritten rules of the ship, but she did so with her first example of integration. If she can take the man she redeemed from being the most hated to one of the most respected on the ship and place him in solitary confinement for thirty days, what will she do for the Maquis who she was originally hunting?

I feel that morale is at its lowest level since the early days of the voyage. Even the unfortunate news of the destruction of the Maquis in the Alpha Quadrant did not cause as much fear among the Maquis. And in an intriguing show of integration among the two crews, the vast majority of Starfleet personnel join the Maquis in their questioning of the Captain's motives.

Division has once again returned to Voyager. While I do not see the logical next step as mutiny as I did when designing Insurrection Alpha, I find there is no simple solution to this situation. The crew still resent the Captain's abandonment of them during the journey through the void. Now they see that abandonment as spreading to their welfare. By continuing to confine Mr. Paris for an offense, which previously received minor punishment, during the middle of a battle where his piloting skills would have been invaluable, has caused the crew to believe she has lost her respect not only for him, but for them as a whole.

Logically, there is truth to that argument. Despite her return to the Bridge, she has maintained distance from the crew. Her harsh criticism of Lieutenant Torres for not gracefully accepting the use of the Cardassian to save her life, immediately followed by the Monean incident, has displayed a side of the Captain which the crew does not approve of, especially following her bout of depression while in the void. They question her ability to command.

I see the actions in a different light given the state of her feelings. The depression was not assisted by the strong relationship she observed between Mr. Paris and Lieutenant Torres. Only eminent danger to the ship facilitated her return to normal duty on the Bridge during our journey through the void.

The subsequent harsh treatment of Lieutenant Torres, beginning with the Lieutenant's own bout with depression and ending with the bitter exchange with her following the life saving procedure are all related to her love for Mr. Paris. The need for Lieutenant Torres' talents in Engineering is clear if Voyager is to return to the Alpha Quadrant. However her presence still causes the Captain much discomfort. The conversation they had following the operation was one where the Captain expressed the sentiment that she was alive only at her own behest. This is indicative of the harsh, almost condescending manner in which she is treated by the Captain.

Then came the man she loves betraying her trust. The anger she felt at his slight contributed to his sentence despite the grief she has caused herself in the meantime. What will become of her feelings in the subsequent weeks, logic cannot predict. This incident has delved far beyond anything which can be controlled.

Before I thought that her love was a typical human reaction to emotions. Now, I'm certain it has passed well beyond that point. Her own actions remind me of my own lapse as a youth. I lost control of my emotions and fell in love with a young woman at my school. I was unable to control the passions unleashed by love. Jealousy, self-pity and anger overwhelmed me. It took months of intensive study with a Master to regain my control.

I believe the Captain has lost control of her emotions for Lieutenant Paris. I fear this has gone well beyond the point where I was forced into seclusion. She is now succumbed to being ruled only by emotions, discarding logic as a hindrance to her passion and desires. I believe only disaster will result. Will it be her own disaster? Or, will the passion between the Captain and the Helmsman lead to the breaking of Lieutenant Torres' heart. Logic predicts disaster either way, but only time will tell if my original hesitancy to intercede in this emotional encounter was as illogical as it now appears to be.

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_A/N - Yes I have started writing again and plan on bringing these stories to a conclusion. There are at least four more in the Deep Thoughts series and there will be a third set of stories set early in the final season of Voyager. Can you guess which episode they will follow?_


	3. The Puzzle They Created

Deep Thoughts on Thirty Days - The Puzzle They Created

by Riss

It's amazing the things you find when you go looking. A bunch of little things that come together like puzzle pieces when you complete the puzzle. When you first start and there are five hundred odd shaped pieces of different colors and designs, you have no idea what they will turn out to be. However, as you slowly work to fit them together, the big picture is created. Sometimes, it isn't necessarily the one you were expecting.

I used to love to do puzzles when I was a little girl. My mother didn't see the point to them, to human, but I persisted. Rather than try to hide the actual puzzles, I used to play with them on my padds. They were especially hard that way because you only saw a tiny piece of the puzzle at a time, not all the parts. I think that's why I like engineering so much, I have to try to piece together the parts of the ship and make them work better.

With this puzzle, I saw the different pieces all the time. But, I was doing the wrong puzzle. Someone switched the picture I thought I was making with the one which came out. Instead of the happy couple I expected to find, quite a different pair was depicted.

I'm amazed at how different my life is, sharing it with someone I care about. Before I found Tom, and actually started letting him through the barriers I had erected over the years, I thought I could be happy. I actually believed that coming home to an empty room, eating alone, sleeping alone were enough.

The sex is amazing, but being with Tom is so much more than just physical pleasure. He is my friend as well as my lover; my special companion and trusted confidant for my hopes and fears. I thought that my other friends, such as Harry and Chakotay, were special to me, but this is so much better.

That's what hurt the most when I was depressed, that I couldn't love Tom. As much as I missed my old friends in the Maquis, I had already assumed they died for the cause while we were in the Delta Quadrant. It was the people I couldn't feel for here on Voyager that broke my will.

It wasn't an immediate thing. I did grieve a little for the Maquis at first. Those hours I spent crying while retrieving the messages did help me cope for a little while. But after I ran that stupid recreation program, I couldn't deal with the Maquis anymore. Seeing them lying on the ground, knowing I could never bring them back to life, was just too much. I'm not even sure why I ran it, except that I was so angry that I couldn't get Tom's letter. I wanted to help him so much, so I guess I tried to take my anger out on the one enemy I could fight. I thought I could change history, but instead it robbed me of my feelings.

It was months later when my depression invaded my relationship with Tom. I managed to keep it separate for a long time. First, it would only appear during the hour I would spend on the holodeck. Then, only while working did I allow myself to think of what I was missing. Finally, despite all my efforts, even his wonderful kisses could not make me feel anything. No matter how much Tom appreciated, cared for or loved me, I couldn't feel anything for him anymore. It was just a void where my love had once been.

I pushed him away. I wouldn't talk to him nor be with him. I realize now that it's a miracle that I am still with him. I almost drove him away from our relationship for good and into the arms of another.

I've known for a while now that our Captain has been interested in someone on board, and it was no longer Chakotay. Ever since the Pon Farr thing, I've been noticing a difference in the Captain's feelings toward Tom. At first, I thought she was going to do something about it. She would spend hours talking to him in the holodeck after I refused another dinner invitation. But, for some strange reason he chose me.

When it became clear that he wasn't interested in responding to her affections, I thought it was over. But, she wasn't done yet. She was attracted, no, is still attracted to Tom and wants him for herself. I think that's why she has taken such an interest in our relationship. That day she reprimanded us for the public displays of affection, it wasn't just because we kissed in Engineering, but because it was Tom and myself kissing. She is in love with Tom.

The looks she gives him on the bridge, the way she laughs at his jokes, the pool games she is always challenging him to, and especially the hand she places on his shoulder tells everything about her feelings. That unconscious gesture she makes when she needs to reach out to someone conveys more then she would like. I don't think Tom realizes how much she feels, but I do now.

It is only since Tom was demoted to Ensign that I realize how close I came to losing him to her. Those thirty days gave me time to think and analyze the puzzle pieces I had seen. A variety of clues painting a picture of love running both ways with only myself in the way. For a moment I saw myself as a piece of the puzzle, straining to keep our relationship separate before I become another piece snapped into place, indistinct in the picture of their relationship, which I fear is the puzzle they are creating. One year ago I was blind enough to see myself as the puzzle, and now I can't even find my piece among the hundreds of others already in place. But, until now I could not make out the picture. One crucial piece was still missing. Only after that first meal together did I finally place the last piece and unveil the completed puzzle.

Dinner at zero-seven hundred hours, my quarters. Not exactly the most convenient time, but I had the night shift and he didn't have to be in sickbay till the afternoon, so we had a few hours. Our 'reacquainting' after so long apart was definitely enjoyable. I never realized how much I could miss the feel of his hands on my body. However, the questions he asked afterwards finally completed the puzzle. He didn't seem to care about what the rest of the ship thought about his situation. What concerned him the most was the broken trust with the Captain.

That final piece brought together the things which had been festering in the back of my mind for a while now. Back when I first came onboard Voyager, I actually thought that those two were lovers. He was the only one who would treat her like a real person when she would drop by Sandrines or even before that in the casual conversations among the Senior Staff.

Of course, when Chakotay started making clear his feelings for the Captain, I realized it was just another manifestation of Tom's pig attitude. But now I realize it really had been more. Tom had always been attracted to the Captain. She's a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman. While he used to flirt with the Delany sisters all the time, as he began to gain respect on the ship, he wanted someone who was his equal. Tom needs someone who can understand what it is like to be strong and independent. He needs someone who yearns for things from their soul. He understands my obsession with engineering because he has the same need to fly as does the Captain with getting us home.

When we first started seeing each other, things were fine between Tom and myself. We were in love and nothing and no one would get in our way. First was the dressing down from the Captain when those aliens were experimenting on us. He took it really hard. It was months before he would even give me a kiss anywhere outside our quarters or a private holodeck program. He felt as if he had broken her trust, something he was always yearning for.

Janeway's reactions while Tom was in the brig that finally, in my mind, clarified their continued feelings for each other. At first she was angry all the time. He had thrown away her trust. However, as she calmed down, she seemed too sad for her to have lost someone who was not very special to her. She looked as if she had lost her reason for living. And Tom bemoans not only the loss of his mentor but also his perceived inability to regain her trust.

To see them on the Bridge these last few weeks has reinforced my fears. She tries to hide her feelings, but her anger comes out to all those who listen. But, there is something else in her tone. The way she addresses him as Tom, not Ensign Paris, tell the story of someone trying to beg for forgiveness. Even when she went forward with the plan to seduce the Devore Inspector, she still was crying out to him. And the thought that worries me is that he will listen.

Our dangerous plan, only plan, for protecting the telepaths and she hesitated. It was only days after Tom was released from the brig and I could see the way her eyes were searching him out. I could just envision her thoughts wondering how he would feel about her in the arms of another man. But, in the end it was our only chance so she did it. Yet, every morning she would enter the Bridge and just stare at the back of his head, as if she was trying to beg for understanding.

I can see the desperation in her eyes when she looks around the Mess Hall during meals. A desperation that might lead her to do anything. I see the need in his eyes. An obsession for trust and respect, for which he will do anything to earn. I can recognize the unrequited love which festers in her heart, and the desire which remains in his. I guess maybe because it is the same man we both love that I can see it in her eyes.

I've completed my portion of the puzzle before she even started, however, there are still pieces remaining waiting to be found. She is the Captain of our ship, but she has lost this battle. My only question is whether I will lose the war...


	4. The Pull of Two

Deep Thoughts on Thirty Days - The Pull of Two

by Riss

Jealousy. How can I feel jealous when I have a beautiful girlfriend to return home to every night, when I have everything I ever dreamed was possible in life here on Voyager.

OK, so the last few weeks haven't exactly proceeded as planned. That first week in the brig I was ready to kill her, and I wasn't sure which HER I meant. Sure, the Captain was one of only two on the list, but it was the idea of the multi-person list which unnerved me. I could see in her eyes how much she wanted to help the Moneans, but she didn't. How much she wanted to do what I had done, but instead she was ripping the rank pip off my collar and sentencing me to thirty days of solitary confinement.

But, I was also mad at B'Elanna, which is pretty stupid. All she did was ask "What about Tom Paris?" I was the one who ran into the transporter room and talked to Riga. I was the one who stole the Delta Flyer and attempted to destroy an alien culture's property. I was the one who defied multiple orders from the Captain and came within meters of getting killed by a torpedo from Voyager. But, she said those words and I wouldn't have done any of it without them.

But, damn it, that matters to me. All I could think about for thirty nights was how much I wanted to be in her arms, and I couldn't because I wanted to be her hero. She asked me to do the right thing, so I forgot about the consequences and just went for it. OOPS...

I'm out of the brig now, so that is over. Well, as over as it can be as I look into the mirror and put my uniform with only one pip on every morning. Things could be a lot worse. If this had happened at the start of our journey towards the Alpha Quadrant, I wouldn't be quite so accepting. Actually, I think it is more that everyone else wouldn't quite be so accepting.

The hope that I'd earned a place on this ship proved to be true as I walked into the Mess Hall for lunch that first day. Rather than the accusation and disgust I expected to find, the entire crew stood up and applauded. They respected me for trying. Even the Starfleet crew didn't seem to mind that I had broken protocol, and ignored the almighty Prime Directive. That's one less worry right now.

My fears about them scorning me because of my new rank were just that, silly fears. While the Doctor seems to enjoy using it, no one else calls me anything but Sir or Mr. Paris while on duty. Even other Ensigns call me Sir, even though they aren't required to by protocol. I think it was Joe Carey who told me that the entire crew had decided that the punishment was too harsh, and this was their protest against the Captain. The Captain who disciplined me for my unlawful actions. The Captain who stole, no, removed my lieutenant's pip from my collar and ordered Ensign Paris to the brig for thirty days.

They respect me for the actions which stole away all the respect she had for me. Sure, she said she respected my views, but that didn't stop her from busting me back to ensign and leaving me to rot in the brig for thirty days. No one else on board has ever been treated as harshly for their offences. Where was the leniency that four years of respect and service should have earned? I guess the idea that my father would have been disappointed in me carried more weight than any bond the two of us had developed.

But, that isn't my problem right now. I've been out for a few weeks now, so the image isn't quite so jarring. I guess I'm learning to be an ensign again. I certainly have the practice from hanging out with Harry so much.

What has turned out to be the hardest thing is to enter the Bridge when I begin my shift. I try to march in there proudly, not caring what anyone thinks, but their opinions still matter. Her disappointment in me still matters. The idea that I have lost her respect, still hurts. I may have laid my father's demon to rest while in the brig, but another seems to have taken his place. I know that it wasn't personal, or at least I hope so, but I am still afraid to look into her face.

There are only two things I truly regret about this whole fiasco, broken trust and lost respect. I have worked so hard for four years trying to earn my place on this ship, and one mistake later, everything is gone. The respect I used to think was so important is gone, probably forever. Tuvok and B'Elanna can give away the entire Federation library and she gave them more responsibilities and respect, but I try to follow my conscience to try to save an entire world and I lose everything. My relations with everyone else on board can be repaired, but not our relationship. That was the hardest thing I did on that flight, ignoring her pleas to me. I think I finally realized why that was so important when I got over the anger while in the brig. It took me a long time to admit it, even just within my mind, but there is no denying it. I love her.

Once I admitted that, I came to realize that this wasn't the same kind of love I had for my sisters or my mother. No, while it's different than the bond I have with B'Elanna, it's still a love laced with both mental and physical attraction. This was different from the first few months where it was lust I had felt for this older woman who rescued me. This was so much more.

Me, who has never really been in love before, OK I've had puppy love with Susie Crabtree, but not real true love, and now I'm in love with two people. I've truly been in love with B'Elanna since that Pon Farr thing, when I realized I didn't just want to have sex with her. I respected her and wanted so much more. What we have now is special. We complement each other perfectly. It's not just about sex, though that's spectacular, but something, a connection between us which is so much more. I think I've been in love with the Captain since she first said, "Take the conn Mister Paris."

As I sat in that cell, alone, staring at the walls as I grew tired of dictating that letter to my dad, I realized something else. The reason I was so upset, angry, and hurt over the punishment I had received was that it had come from the Captain. Not only had I lost her respect, but I had hurt someone I cared about. Someone who will never respect me enough to return my feelings, and that, I've decided, is the worst thing.

Even now, as I watch B'Elanna sleeping beside me, I feel it. I don't want to lose what I have yet I feel jealous of the Captain's actions over the last few days. Even knowing that the seduction was part of the plan, didn't make it any easier. I can just picture their kiss as she saw him off to his shuttle, as he took her in her arms and slowly touched her lips to his.

I wanted to be that stupid inspector so badly, to taste her sweet lips and show her how I feel. Yet, I don't want to lose what I have. I can't turn away from what I enjoy with the woman in my bed right now. I love B'Elanna, yet...

I can't get enough of her hair, her face, or her lips. I could kiss that beautiful mouth forever. I could gaze at her as she slowly wakes up with that delectable come hither smile on her face until the end of time.

"Morning Tom"


	5. The Changes That Pass

Deep Thoughts on Thirty Days - The Changes That Pass

by Riss

He's changed. Of course, so have I. We've been in the Delta Quadrant for over four years, which is long enough to start a new life. For me, I think I actually have.

When I first came to Voyager I missed everything. I wanted to be in Starfleet, but I didn't realize it would be so hard to leave my parents and Libby. That weird time travel thing where I ended up back on Earth probably made things even harder. After all, how could I spend a few days with Libby and not miss her when I got back.

But, I think I'm over her now. I certainly hope so with the speed I keep falling for woman both on this ship and at practically every shore leave we take. How could I fall for an ex-Borg? OK, so she's absolutely gorgeous, but she has the emotional development of a six year old, and even fewer social skills. Now, I'm back to where Tom and I started, the Delany twins, except this time I'll stay away from Jenny. I have no urge to repeat my experience in the water.

But, even if I think I've changed a lot, Tom's changed even more. He was so cocky and sure of himself when he came onto this ship. I envied his ability to just walk onto the ship without telegraphing his newness to everyone. Hard to believe that the cracks in his facade and the vulnerability he has shown during this journey are actually improvements.

I'm worried about him though. This time, I think this brig time might have broken his spirit. When he first arrived, he was fresh out of Auckland and ready to take on the world. He wanted to try everything, especially the women. Even after our time in that mind control prison, he was ready to embrace life again as soon as we were rescued. Of course, considering how sick we were after our feast, it was a short lived feeling.

But this time, something has changed. I see it in his relationship with B'Elanna. Scary how much I can tell by how those two interact. I guess I've become quite an observer of their romantic entanglements. I think I figured out that those two were going to get together even before either of them had a clue. They worked so well together during that Warp 10 experiment that I knew they would one day be together. Of course, Tom had to straighten up his cocky act before that could happen, but now they have everything they want.

But, something is wrong. I see it every day on the Bridge. He is not the same man who walked into the brig so confidently over a month ago. He is not the same man who earned the Captain's respect. I think that is what has happened, what might have finally broken him, he's lost the Captain's respect. That is the one thing he has worked for the entire time he's been on the ship. I saw how crestfallen he was when she wouldn't give him any responsibility when we first came across the array. The entire Bridge was in chaos, but she left him standing there doing nothing as she headed to Engineering. He was so grateful when I let him tag along with me to Sickbay. But four years changed that, or so he thought.

Before we encountered that floating ocean, I had finally stopped worrying about him. No longer was he afraid to confide in people and it was as if he could finally acknowledge that he had true friends who would give their lives for him, just because. B'Elanna was recovering from her depression and even forgave him for his part in having the Cardassian remove that parasite from her body. The two of them were inseparable unless one of them was on duty or Tom was running the Captain Proton program again. You'd think that a year into their relationship they would slow down a little, but I guess they were making up for all the time they had lost to the doubts they had about the time that alien stole Tom's body. But the important thing was they were finally together and happy.

Besides B'Elanna, his life was also on a roll. Suddenly Tom wasn't just the social butterfly but a true friend to everyone on board. Whether it was holo-programming with Tuvok, teaching Neelix how to make the perfect pizza or even joking around with the Doc while pulling another shift in Sickbay, he was truly an important part of this ship.

I think the two people he's made the greatest strides with are the Captain and Commander Chakotay. I remember the look on Chakotay's face when he first beamed onto Voyager and saw Tom on the Bridge. I seriously thought that one of them was going to die that day. But after Tom saved his life, Chakotay had a certain amount of respect for Tom. Of course the little charade to capture Jonas' treachery set that respect back a long way, but in the years since then, they've worked hard to regain it.

There isn't any one point were I can say that they went beyond just respecting each other's abilities and became friends, but over the last year or two, things have been pretty good. While I don't think that either would call the other their best friend or even chose the other to confide in, there is something even better than respect and trust which binds them together. I think it showed through clearly when Chakotay joined the rest of the crew in condemning the Captain's exceptionally harsh choice in punishment for Tom.

Captain Janeway is quite an interesting person. I had never been so afraid of someone as when Tom and I walked into her office that first day and she told me to relax. I was so afraid, I couldn't even move a muscle. Even in that office I was envious of how calm Tom was and how she looked at him. If I had not been so nervous, I probably would have been laughing over the fact that Tom could have anyone he wanted, even the Captain.

But that feeling would have been short lived. As soon as she ordered me to Sickbay while she went down to Engineering, I saw how little respect or trust she had for Tom. That was really the first time I saw through his mask of nonchalance. He didn't only want her as a woman, rather he wanted to be seen as a person by her.

However, something changed while I was down on the planet. He's never told me exactly what went on, but somehow he managed to earn her respect. He not only was granted the position of chief helmsman, but became her friend as well.

When he wasn't busy setting us up with double dates with the Delany sisters, I used to wonder if maybe their friendship would become something more. Even after I began wondering if the bickering going on between him and B'Elanna was more innuendo than anger, I could see the connection with Janeway. But, as far as I know he never bothered to pursue it, and I don't have the guts to ask him straight out. I know he didn't realize he was in love with B'Elanna until that Pon Farr thing, but I think the feeling was there long before.

It was the Captain's feelings where I'm sure they never died. Sometimes I wonder if B'Elanna will challenge her to a duel for her man, but she hasn't said anything about it to me. I just see a look from her as the Captain starts flirting again. That hand she always placed on his shoulder, the looks she gave him during staff meetings, and the way she always ran to Sickbay when he was injured told me how she cared for him so much more than any other crewman. A lot of the crew thinks it's because she sees him as a son. I disagree. She's only about ten years older than him, and the looks she shoots him are not those a mother should give to a child. At times she's worse than I was with Seven.

But now, everything has changed. She barely looks at him on the Bridge. He can't see the guilt which rests heavy on her features while she can't see the desire for respect, trust and maybe even something more which rests on his. I stand at the back and wonder if anyone else sees this. Are Chakotay and Tuvok blind, or are they just as clueless about what to do as I am. It has gotten worse as the days go by, especially now that the plot with the Devorian inspector is finally done. After all, even after being locked in the transport buffer Tuvok has to have seen the longing on her face as she looks down at the helm.

So, I stand at the back of the Bridge running one unnecessary diagnostic after another, reflecting on the changes that have been made. This time I don't have a crystal ball to predict that Tom and the Captain will return to what they once had. Maybe there is something more between them than friendship that is driving this tension and animosity. Two sides, the ship verses the Captain in support of Tom, what a change from the when the Captain and Tom seemed able to take on the world. When finding the traitor on the ship, she only could trust Tom, and now she can't even face him.


	6. Reevaluation and Acceptance

Deep Thoughts on Thirty Days - Reevaluation and Acceptance

By Riss

It's amazing how things change. A few months ago I had deluded myself into hating him again. Four years to learn who he is and to respect him for what he has achieved, not his past and I threw it all away because of my feelings, my hatred of losing her. I was in love with her and had to sit back and watch as he stole her heart without even trying.

But now I've realized just how deeply he feels and how much he is willing to put on the line, I've relearned my respect. Additionally, I think my heart has conceded the race to him, even if he's not sure he wants to win.

Tom Paris is the best damn pilot in the Quadrant, and he used to act like it too. I hated his attitude, even back when I first met him, but we needed a pilot for my ship way too much to care. I was too angry, first at the Cardassians and then at Starfleet to even see through that mask to the vulnerable man he really was. I used to take the gossip at face value, ignoring the changes that came over him as he grew comfortable and respected here on Voyager.

I'm not sure when my opinion of him changed and I learned to trust him. It was long after the time he pretended to be a traitor, because I know I wanted to kill him after that. For him to get together with Kathryn and Tuvok, and keep me in the dark felt like a personal betrayal. Even if he was the junior officer and didn't have a choice in the matter, I still held it against him.

When he rescued us from that horrid planet the Kazon stranded us on I realized he would give his life for the ship, no questions asked or rewards requested. When we worked together to try get those Ferengi, I realized I could trust him with my life. After the Pon Farr incident, I realized I could trust him with my quasi-sister.

But then I realized he wasn't just in love with B'Elanna. His feelings for Kathryn, at the same time he was dating B'Elanna almost made me hate him again. How could he do this to these two amazing women? Did he not care who he hurt?

I do know when my feelings for him changed back to respect. It was when he stood up to me and fought to have that Cardassian doctor take care of B'Elanna. I didn't agree with him, but he made an amazing argument. He didn't just say that he loved her and that we should save her, but argued the other reasons why she was important. He wasn't only concerned for his own happiness, but the ships welfare. In fact, he probably expected her to never talk to him again for forcing the treatment on her, but he showed that her life was more important that just a relationship.

I knew then that no matter how mixed up his feelings were for both of them, that he didn't deserve my judgment. Instead he had my respect for putting their lives above his happiness.

Then there was the incident at Monea. I was so mad and proud of him at the same time. He was a mercenary with the Maquis because he just didn't care. This time, he broke the rules because it was important to him to help those people and save that world. If he had come to me, I probably would have found a way to help him. At the very least, I would have joined him in arguing the issue with Kathryn.

But he didn't consult me, so I could only stand back and watch in horror as Kathryn's love for him caused her to almost destroy our family on Voyager. She was so enraged by his actions, that she was ready to destroy the Delta Flier and kill him just to prove that he was wrong.

I have never been so happy that an order wasn't carried out exactly as requested as I was when Tuvok didn't have the photon torpedo actually hit the Flier. He was coming home. A slap on the wrist later, he would be back at the helm. Even if he still couldn't make up his mind about his feelings, he proved that he was worthy of the respect of everyone on board.

Then Kathryn didn't bother consulting anyone before she sentenced him. Her anger and hurt caused her to go well beyond any reasonable punishment. I've stolen a shuttle before and engaged in actions that could have placed Voyager in the middle of a war, and all I got was a verbal reprimand. Tuvok sold the entire Federation library, breaking the Prime Directive, and he got the same punishment. But Tom got a demotion and the brig, I couldn't believe it.

I gladly joined Tuvok and the rest of the senior staff in condemning her actions, but she was beyond listening to us. I think that was the first time I realized that her love for Tom could actually endanger the ship. I saw that she would first look at how her actions would present themselves to Tom before she judged them on their necessity to the ship. She went so far as to refuse to allow Tom out of the brig when we needed him at the helm during battle because she wasn't done punishing him for what he had done to her.

Kathryn almost refused to go through with our plan with that Devore inspector because of the impression it would have given to Tom. She didn't use those words at the briefing, but I could see it in her eyes. She was afraid it would hurt him for her to pretend to love someone else.

Things have calmed down a little in the last few weeks. With the holodeck malfunction and the photonic aliens, she had a chance to have some necessary interaction with Tom. From him, all I could see was that he really did care about regaining her respect. While I still believe he loves Kathryn, he seems satisfied and happy with B'Elanna and what they have. Despite the costume and the situation, he never made an inappropriate move towards Kathryn. While I hope he ends up with B'Elanna, it is not my place to pass judgment. He has regained my respect, and with that comes the right for him to make his own decisions and mistakes.

Instead I have to wait quietly, ensuring that I retain as much trust and close confidence as I can with Kathryn. Only as a friend and trusted colleague can I hope to influence her decisions. Only by being there to temper her anger can I ensure the safety of the ship, because even now he is at the forefront of her mind.

Kathryn put her hand on his shoulder. Even from my seat, entranced by the view of Earth I thought I was seeing on the view screen I realized how right it looked. Even though we found out later it was psychogenic manipulation, she thought was home and Mark was no longer engaged, but it was Tom who she reached out to. She buried the past and grabbed onto him.

Now it's my time to let go. I know that she will always have a special place in my heart, but I can't continue to hold out hope for something that will never happen. I have to move on and accept that I need to look for companionship elsewhere. Who knows, maybe I'll end up with Seven one day.

* * *

___A/N - Thanks to starrylaa for the beta!_

_A/N - I'm working on one of these from the Doctor's perspective. If you have any suggestions for comments he might make, I'd love to hear them._


	7. Punishment and Consequences

Deep Thoughts on Thirty Days - Punishment and Consequences

by Riss

Once again I contemplate the judgment of the Captain as I regenerate. This time I am not engaging in what the databases identify as 'feeling sorry for myself.' I am not involved in the incident except in my disapproval of her actions.

The entire incident started when I identified unusual phenomena with the Astrometric sensors. After alerting the Bridge I investigated further. With assistance from Ensigns Megan and Jenny Delany, I attempted to find the origins of the Monean ocean. However, before our analysis was complete, Lieut... Ensign Paris found the information in the database of the computer at the center of the ocean.

It was the events which followed that have created problems with my reasoning. If the Captain were to maintain consistency in her punishment, there should not have been a punishment for Ensign Paris' failure to obtain permission to use the Delta Flyer.

After the regrowth of many of my Borg components due to the proximity to the Borg transponder on the Raven, when I stole a shuttle from Voyager, I was not reprimanded for that action. Despite disabling another shuttle and my attempts to injure Lieutenant Commander Tuvok, I was simply given additional assignments to improve my social interactions. While they may have felt like punishment, the Captain meant them as a means for me to better adjust to the Voyager collective.

However, the actions taken against Ensign Paris can not be construed as even a harsh reprimand. The thirty days of solitary confinement well exceed the normal amount dictated by Starfleet rules. While a court marshal adjudicated by three admirals was impossible, exceeding the normal punishment was not consistent.

Solitary confinement is cruel for anyone. My severance from the Collective was a very painful event. Even now I can feel and remember the terror I felt as my connection to others was ripped away. While Ensign Paris was never connected to the Collective, his importance to the Voyager collective is very high.

In my time on Voyager I have observed that he is a very social creature. He is dependent on others around him to provide comfort and companionship. Denial of these social interactions for thirty days will lead to extreme mental stress and possibly permanent emotional damage according to the medical texts I have examined on the subject. The opposite is true as well, with the crew of Voyager depending on Ensign Paris for irrelevant social interactions. While he was confined to the brig the social interactions on Voyager declined to even lower levels than that displayed during our travel through the void. Additionally I was 'hurt' because of his confinement. He was one of the few members of this crew who did not treat me any different because I was Borg. In addition to my observations of the crew, I felt alone during his confinement.

Even more troubling to me is the manner in which this punishment was handed out. When I was reprimanded for my actions, including my temporary confinement to the Cargo Bay, it was similar to what I remember my mother doing to me as a child. A reprimand meant to encourage compliance which was not what Ensign Paris received. His punishment was handed out in anger and enforced with impudence.

The Captain does not look upon Ensign Paris as a son. I believe she sees him as her equal and is in love with him. I have spent much time contemplating this issue and I am certain there is a mutual attraction between these two people. While it is not quite as obvious with Ensign Paris, his smile gives him away.

I have observed that only two people have the power to illicit his twenty-first smile. Most often it is directed at Lieutenant Torres, especially as the two of them leave the holodeck late in the evening. However, when Lieutenant Torres is working in Engineering and the Captain comes down to the helm and places her hand on his shoulder, I have seen it there as well. It is an extremely open and inviting smile that begs the observer, even if it is not directed at them, to join them in whatever the giver is doing.

With the Captain, one only has to count how much time she spends looking at him, whether at the helm, while on the holodeck or even in the Mess Hall to discover her feelings. She is clearly in love with him despite his continued involvement in a monogamous relationship with Lieutenant Torres. Even the attention of the Commander, which at first appeared to me to be of a romantic nature has not cured her of the attraction.

Perhaps this influenced her harsh punishment of him. I have read in the database of horrible offenses committed by the 'woman scorned.' If the Captain interpreted his actions as directed against her, rather than the mission he was attempting, this might explain her irrational actions.

This might also explain her recent behavior. It has been almost three months since I presented myself at her Ready Room to object to her treatment of Ensign Paris. Since that time she has defied the Prime Directive, attempted to wipe the Doctor's memory, sought out the Borg, engaged in a romantic relationship with a member of a hostile species and placed a reprimand for Ensign Kim's own romantic entanglement. When I first joined Voyager I was told that I was part of a family. Over time I began to believe that to be true. Now the benign dictator has stopped looking at us as her children. We are no longer the family that we once were, working together to find a way home.

Now she is obsessed with finding the way home. I believe it is her way out. She feels she has ruined her chance at love and must now do everything to obtain her other obsession.

I once thought as she did. I had secretly desired to return to the Collective. I wanted to be a part of them, whole again. Yet my ill-fated return did not appease that appetite. We all desire things we can not have. I thought my return to the Borg would allow Voyager to obtain the transwarp coil and return to their home. Instead it endangered the ship and the lives of my friends. The Captain seems to believe that the only thing left for her is to return the ship home. This has overwhelmed her sense of judgment, causing her to inflict discipline upon everyone. I fear she too will endanger the ship, her crew and most definitely the one she loves.

* * *

_A/N - I've got one more story to post in the Deep Thoughts on Thirty Days set of stories. After that I'm doing a three story conclusion of the trip through the minds of Voyager. I'm working on those now, and any encouragement you can give would be appreciated. Let me know if you have any questions you want answered before we end and I'll see if I can work them in._


	8. Observations and Conclusions

_A/N – This story is done in a slightly different format. While I understand that the Doctor is more than a computer program, I am unable to translate his 1's and 0's of 'thoughts' into a coherent story. Instead I have included a number of his private medical files which seem to be his ramblings on the subject at hand._

* * *

Deep Thoughts on Thirty Days - Observations and Conclusions

By Riss

CMO Eyes Only

Private Patient Log

Subject: Janeway, Kathryn

Rank: Captain

If you are reading this Mr. Paris, I will make sure that every time I need to test out the safety of Mr. Neelix's cooking, I will use you rather than a tricorder.

Due to my many impeccable observational skills, I have noticed a number of unacknowledged relationships on board as well as many complex friendships. In the interests of ensuring correct medical protocol is practiced at all times with regards to medical notifications, I have begun these logs documenting them into each patient's medical file.

Unfortunately the unacknowledged feelings of Captain Janeway are the primary impetus behind this project. Perhaps if I had been more honest regarding my concerns with her stress levels and the reasons behind them, the recent demotion and incarceration of Ensign Paris as well as many other troubling subsequent events might have been avoided. Therefore, I have begun these private patient logs to document my non-medical observations that impact the lives of our crew.

Since I was activated upon arrival in the Delta Quadrant I have observed a significant amount of personal contact between our Captain and the chief helmsman. While the Captain is of course concerned about the welfare of all of the crew, she takes a special interest in that of Ensign Paris. Over time I have decided that this interest is due to her emotions toward the Ensign.

Actually I was surprised that in the aftermath of the Warp 10 experiment that the two of them did not form a more intimate relationship. Since the Ensign had to go searching to find the Captain, I thought that it had become a mutual attraction to cumulate in intercourse as humans. After all, based on their interaction in sickbay I could easily detect the sexual feelings between my most frequent patient and his most frequent visitor. While the Captain visits most patients injured on duty, she always rushed when Ensign Paris is involved and lingers longer with him, even to this day.

After I completed the extremely complex procedure I devised to return them to proper human form, the first order of business was to ensure they had the proper contraceptive boosters. Upon hearing, the Captain suggested that she may have initiated the sexual intercourse while in their evolved state; I was proven correct in my observations that there was an attraction from the Captain to Ensign Paris.

However, over time I believe the Captain's feelings have gone from a physical attraction for the Ensign and into the realm of feelings known as love. The fact that she stood by him despite his poor behavior during the scheme to entrap the spy on Voyager was just one clue of the depth of her feelings.

While most people on board believed that the Captain's attraction had shifted towards the Commander during and after their experience on New Earth, I do not agree. While it was not for several months after that when I finally achieved independence due to the mobile emitter, my observations of their behavior in sickbay did not necessarily agree. While it was clear there was attraction between the Captain and the Commander, there was still the underlying attraction towards Ensign Paris. The frequency of her visits nor the time spent watching while Ensign Paris was unconscious did not diminish. In fact, shortly after Ensign Paris was rescued from the space station prison he was incarcerated in with Ensign Kim, she began to stay longer.

The only noticeable decrease in time spent with Ensign Paris in sickbay was around the time of Lieutenant Torres' bout of Pon Farr. I believe that this was the time I processed that her feelings were more than just attraction for Ensign Paris and falling into the range of love. She was exhibiting many of the classic signs of jealousy, a key clue that it was more than simple attraction.

Once I gained my independence from sickbay, I was able to process additional clues as to the nature of the feelings exhibited by the Captain. While she continued to flirt with the Commander, it appeared to be a reflex action, rather than holding any deeper meaning. Her flirting with Ensign Paris diminished greatly, but the longing looks and casual interaction continued to increase.

At first, especially once Ensign Paris finally made his own decision to stop returning the flirting in any more than a casual manner and pursue Lieutenant Torres, I thought that the decision had been made. It appeared that she might back off and move on to Commander Chakotay. However, the Captain again proved that her heart and what is good for the ship do not necessarily coincide. She continued to watch and intercede with the budding relationship between Ensign Paris and Lieutenant Torres, going as far as to reprimand them for the conduct which was the result of alien experiments.

The clearest case of crossing the line between feelings and the good of the ship have come recently with her treatment of Lieutenant Torres during her depression and the alien attachment. While both required her intervention, her attitude and conduct were extremely harsh toward Lieutenant Torres, clearly showcasing her jealousy. Then her conduct toward Ensign Paris was unacceptable. Her compensation of starting the relationship with the Devore inspector was clearly done not only as a tactic in our dealings with them, but as a form of trying to create jealousy from Ensign Paris.

It is my medical opinion that this attraction is very unhealthy for the safety of this ship. Since it is based on no quantifiable behaviors, I can not take any direct action. However, especially since her bout with depression earlier this year, I fear that her decisions will be made without clear thinking. I feel that I need to pay close attention to any upcoming decisions. Additionally I need to find a way to pass my concerns on to Commander Chakotay and Lieutenant Commander Tuvok to pay close attention to her decisions. While it may not prevent another incident, hopefully it will allow it to be contained quickly.

CMO Eyes Only

Private Patient Log

Subject: Torres, B'Elanna

Rank: Lieutenant

If you are reading this Mr. Paris, I will inform Lieutenant Torres of all the unauthorized research you used to do in the medical files of the female crew members and ensure that all the osteoregenators are unavailable for any fallout that happens.

Prior to the incident at Monea, I had already planned an expansion of the medical database due to the recent events with Lieutenant Torres. Due to my overlooking important details in various crewmembers files, most namely the experiments done to Mr. Tabor's family, I jeopardized the life of one of the senior staff. If I had acknowledged Ensign Kim's comments that a doctor with a Cardassian body might affect the crew, the creature may have been removed promptly without the controversy that arose on the use of 'tainted' information to cure the Lieutenant.

Over the years on Voyager I have compiled a number of observations on Lieutenant Torres. Besides Kes and Ensign Paris, both of whom have served as my assistants, I have spent the most time working with her. She can be abrupt, hostile, condescending as well as loyal and kind, sometimes in the space of only a few moments. Her temper and sexual appetite have caused the most crewmember incited injuries during this voyage. However, she is also the only one who has been able to successfully operate on my program and has become important to me as a colleague and friend.

Despite some comments early in the voyage as to Lieutenant Torres' sexuality being comparable to a monk, I have never found that to be the case. This became vividly clear when she was experiencing the memories of Korenna's life, including vivid sexual dreams. Early in the voyage I found Lieutenant Torres to be guarded rather than repressed. Especially in wake of actually meeting her Klingon half, she has attempted to keep very tight control over certain aspects of herself, such as her temper and her sexuality.

While I am sure she would have enjoyed my cure for the Pon Farr, it was probably better for her emotional health that it was resolved without sexual intercourse. Her embarrassment over the incident was still detectable weeks later at one of my routine diagnostic appointments.

Since the beginning of her relationship with Ensign Paris, her sexuality went from being ignored to the forefront. I have issued both her and the Ensign their own personal regenerators and osteoregenerators to cut down on the number of emergency beam outs or late night repair visits I was forced to make to their quarters or the holodeck.

However I have observed a secondary emotion coming from Lieutenant Torres. At first I thought it was mild hatred, but I have refined my diagnosis to classify it as jealousy. As noted in Captain Janeway's private patient log, I have discovered that she is in love with Ensign Paris. Since the Ensign is currently involved in a long term monogamous relationship with the Lieutenant, some dislike is certainly expected towards the Captain.

My observations, however, reveal a much deeper source of these strong emotions. Not only is the Lieutenant upset about the Captain's feelings, but she is upset that they are reciprocated by her boyfriend. While I have never observed or heard of others observing any objectionable behavior between the two who are secretly in love, even the existence of these reciprocal feelings upsets the Lieutenant. Combined with her extreme displeasure over the Captain's recent decisions regarding the treatment of her depression and the removal of the alien, I am concerned that the Lieutenant's control over her temper will disappear. I fear that when she loses control it can be at any time, towards anyone, not just the object of her true feelings.

Due to these concerns, I believe I will recommend that Lieutenant Commander Tuvok offer counseling to the Lieutenant on controlling her emotions. There are a significant number of Vulcan techniques for managing violent emotions that can easily be taught to other species. The key to this treatment is to not implicate the true source of these emotions, since I need authorization from an important player in this drama, the Captain, to ensure that the Lieutenant follows through with the treatment.

CMO Eyes Only

Private Patient Log

Subject: Paris, Thomas Eugene

Rank: Ensign

If you are reading this Mr. Paris, I will make you my test subject for my theory that the Pon Farr may be eliminated by temporarily disabling the reproductive system of the male subject. It is an interesting study, but not quite ready for live testing due to the fact that currently the effects are irreversible.

Recent events have led me to believe that Ensign Paris is even more unstable than I ever acknowledged. Between his emotional connections with two women, his highly charged and yet unresolved conflict with his family, especially his father, his hero complex that borders on suicidal all combined with an ego that barely fits on the ship, it is a wonder he survived the thirty days in the brig without a breakdown. If not for his exceptional skills at the helm and his, as much as I hate to put this into words, outstanding medical skills, I would have recommended removal from duty and extensive therapy with multiple counselors years ago.

However, yet again my most frequent sickbay patient has surprised me with his resilience. The only lasting effects from his most recent incarceration have been a dose of humility upon demotion and a stepping up in his efforts to appeal to the Captain. It is my firm belief that the only way to truly help with the situation is to eliminate some source of his instability. Perhaps if he was to focus his feelings on only one woman, his stress and conflicts would fall, allowing him more stability and less need for therapy.

The Ensign has been nothing but respectful to everyone in the wake of his release. In fact, he has been the model of perfect behavior for an ensign. If I didn't believe that he was on the precipice of an emotional breakdown due to the incompatibility of loving two diametrically opposed women at the same time, I would almost be proud of him for his behavior.

Ensign Paris has been on time or even early for every one of his duty shifts. He has followed all of my direction within a reasonable timeframe. He does retain his unique sense of humor, but has almost eliminated those comments in front of any crewmember that would not be considered one of his friends.

His only major disobedience of Starfleet rules in the last few months, normally a weekly occurrence, was to protect his best friend. Otherwise he has been doing everything to prove to the Captain that he still deserves her respect. Though I believe some of the recent gossip has troubled the Ensign. When I mentioned that the Captain stated that she would have expected this behavior from him, not Ensign Kim, he became extremely contemplative.

I am hoping that my unorthodox treatment may have a positive effect on Ensign Paris. By opening his eyes to the instability of the Captain's behavior, perhaps his own feelings will clarify. The one thing that I have not doubted about Ensign Paris since the incident where Lieutenant Torres was split into two parts was their deep connection. While it took a few years for that connection to turn into a romantic attachment, their every action together proves they have a deep connection. It is my professional opinion that it is the healthier and safer attraction for the crew and the persons involved.

If it requires a dialog with my medical assistant about matters discussed in sickbay to ensure the necessary information for making correct, informed decisions is relayed, then I will ensure that those confidential medical files are relayed properly. After all, the Captain's lack of faith in Ensign Paris' romantic entanglements is vital for his long term emotional stability, as well as the ship.

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**_A/N__ - First, thanks starrylaa for the great beta. This is the final story in the Deep Thoughts on Thirty Days series. I have one more set of stories that I will post in the next couple weeks that looks into the thoughts of the three primary characters one last time towards the beginning of the final season. Remember, since this is a canon series, we all know how it ends, but the real fun is in the ride there._**

_**I'm still working on these stories, so if you have a favorite J/P or P/T moment from anywhere in the series, let me know and I'll see if I can incorporate it into the stories. And, of course, the more reviews I get on these stories, the more inspired I'll be to work on the final ones...** _


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